Let’s Talk Family

This is the question I ask myself more and more. Some days my husband and I get along great, others he is telling me he hates me or I am telling him I hate him. I try to read every article and book on marriage that I find appeals to me and my marriage as much as I can. Contained in this post is what I have learned.

When my husband comes home from work, I don’t run to the door to greet him, I know I should. I know I would get excited to see my husband run to greet me when I got home, if I worked, just like our children do to him. If you run to greet your husband after he gets home from work, you are telling him that he is important to you!

I think, “My husband could have gone a hundred different places tonight. There are tons of women out there who would like to have him. But, he has chosen to come home to me. He’s coming through that door to me.”

Is it going to hurt me any to tell him I’m happy he’s home, I’m thankful he’s worked hard all day and provided for this home, for me, for my children?

My husband and I fall into the trap of calling, texting, or sharing as soon as he gets home from work the bad parts of our day. This is another thing that needs to be changed. When I have been at home with the kids all day by myself, I am so happy to see another adult who can take care of these children for me but I need to learn to let him have 15 minutes to unwind, and we should not share the negative parts of our day as soon as we see each other – that can wait until after dinner.

Some of my favorite quotes over the years about marriage:

• All marriages aren’t happy; living together is tough.
• A good marriage is not a gift; it’s an achievement by God’s grace.
• Marriage is not for children; it takes guts and maturity.
• Marriage separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.
• Marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise.
• Marriage is giving and, more importantly, forgiving.
• With all its ups and downs, marriage is still God’s object lesson of Jesus and the church.
• Through submission to one another we can witness to the world that marriage works and is still alive.
• Marriage is worth dying for. If we give it proper honor, we will be honored by our children, our families, our neighbors, our friends, and best of all, our Lord.

Tell me, are you a good wife?

Are you doing everything you can be doing to make your husband like to come home to you… to be happy he married you?

Michelle Obama is on a mission to get our kids moving and eating more healthfully.  She wants to end childhood obesity in a generation.  Which means what she is really saying is that she wants YOU and all the other moms out there to step it up and start changing what you feed your kids in addition to getting them off the couch and into the backyard to play, each and every day.

It Starts With Food

Everyone in health care, the government, the media and even the First Lady seem to agree that what we are feeding our kids is making them fat.  From sugary sodas and juices, snacks filled with trans-fats, salt and sugar to fast food, it seems like mothers across the country are getting the blame for feeding their kids all the wrong things.  So the government recommends swapping unhealthy choices for lots of vegetables and fruits (with the emphasis on vegetables), water and low fat milk to drink and home cooked meals that start with fresh ingredients from the grocery store.

So Mom, how are you doing with these recommendations?  Do you give in and let your kids eat the “bad stuff” to avoid fights at the dinner table?  Are you too tired after a long day of working either in or out of the home to cook dinner?  Will your kids actually eat vegetables?

Then You Need To Get Moving

The second area the experts say needs improving is getting our kids moving.  Among the recommendations at the LetsMove.gov website is limiting television time to ONE TO TWO HOURS a day. Which means, Mom, that you have to set a good example and limit your TV time to two hours a day too.  That also means putting your thinking cap on and coming up with alternative activities for your children to do, like hobbies, games and participating in sports, to name a few.

So, is this realistic and doable?  Or is television not just entertainment but a way to keep your kids occupied so you can get other things done around the house?  Can your family really survive on just one to two hours of TV a day?

From Recommendations to Real Life

So we want to know what you are doing to prevent your kids from getting fat.  Leave a comment and let us know if these recommendations from the experts really work in your real life.  We want to know what obstacles you face it trying to keep your kids healthy and active.  For example, instead of all the advice, what could the government be doing to really make a difference and turn the childhood obesity epidemic around?

Don’t forget to take your questions and reactions over to the Chatty Exchange and touch base with other mothers trying to keep their kids from getting fat too.

“She watches carefully all that goes on throughout her household and is never lazy. Her children stand and bless her; so does her husband. He praises her with these words: There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all!” – Proverbs 31:27-29

Let me take a look into this passage.

I do not carefully watch over all that goes on in my household. I do not have eyes all over my head to see it all. My children get into things, do things they shouldn’t do, but I can not watch everything all the time in my house, who can?

I am lazy! I will admit it. I cannot seem to make myself get up and do what needs to be done. Sometimes my house is a complete mess and my husband gets angry.

My husband, however, does tell me I am the best of them all! Can you imagine? I am not the kind of woman described in Proverbs but my husband thinks I am the best in the world!

Proverbs 31:17-18 tells us that the virtuous woman is energetic, watches for bargains, and works far into the night.

I am not very energetic! (go back up and look at the lazy statement)

I do watch for bargains. I love to go to yard sales, I get the Sunday newspaper to look for bargains, I look on Craigslist, Freecycle, and I cut coupons.

I do not work far into the night. I am sorry but I love my sleep and my husband will tell you, I will not budge on that!

Our priorities as a Proverbs woman or virtuous woman are supposed to be;

1. God

2. Husband

3. Children

4. Home

5. Everything else

My priorities look like this;

1. Everything else

2. Children

3. Husband

4. Home

5. God

My priorities are way off! This is why I am not confident in my walk with the Lord. Why I feel worthless at times, I need to get my priorities in the right order.

When you get your priorities in order, God will take care of the rest!

Should a wish list be included in a child’s birthday party invitation?

I believe it should be. My daughter was in kindergarten this past year and she invited her classmates to her sixth birthday party. She never sees these children outside of school. They don’t hang out at each other’s houses, have no activities in common, which I think is common for this age.

At her birthday party, she got nice presents. She got a lot of Barbie stuff, which the girls at the party were “oohing” and “aahing” over. Asha didn’t seem too impressed with the Barbies and all the accessories. Why? Because my daughter doesn’t play with dolls. So, I have a disappointed daughter and now have to say thank you for these gifts and act like we are going to keep them, when in all reality, I threw them away when we got home. That is like throwing people’s money away!

Now, when I get a birthday invitation, I ask Asha if she wants to go. Then I look at the calendar to see if we can make it. I then call to RSVP. If I get a machine, I will leave a message asking for someone to call me back about the party. I never say I am calling to RSVP on the machine, because they might take that as us coming and not call me back. When I do finally talk to someone, I ask them what does their child like, want, etc. This way I am not getting the child something he/she doesn’t want, like, or that the child has already.

I know as a mother, there are certain things I don’t like my children to have or play with. To me, this is a good way to stay on the parent’s good side but to also not waste my money.

Should you include a wish list in a child’s birthday party invitation when they are young? When they are older, probably not, they can talk and say what they want and probably hang out with their friends after school… but for smaller children, what do you think?

According to the Associated Press, there has been a recent spike in the number of heat-related child deaths resulting from children being locked in vehicles. I’m normally very understanding and compassionate when tragedies happen because I know accidents don’t discriminate - they can happen to any of us. Children fall into pools and can drown within seconds. Children run out into the street and all it takes is a split second and bad timing for a child to be hit by a car. A parent can turn his/her head for one second in a busy store and turn around to find their child has completely vanished.

Accidents like this happen every day, unfortunately. What do all of these scenarios have in common? Seconds. Very… little… time… Conversely, when your child is out of ANY type of adult supervision for the time it takes them to wander outside, climb into a vehicle, shut themselves in, and suffocate… someone needs to be asking the question: You didn’t notice your child wasn’t around for the last 15-20 minutes? In one case, a set of two year old twins were found in the car TWO HOURS later. Two hours. Two… h.o.u.r.s! And that doesn’t even address the issues I have with a parent who simply FORGETS that they put their child in the car, thus getting out and leaving them inside.

Where I begin to question the motives – or at very least, the priorities - of a parent is at the point that their practice to “remind” themselves that their child is in the car with them involves placing their cell phone beside the carseat so that when they get out of the car, they go to retrieve their cell phone and notice that their child is present. Hey, I’m all for any tactic that keeps babies safe, but no one snuck your baby into your car. You KNEW your child was in the car. HOW can you forget your kid??? This is an excerpt from the article published by the Associated Press:

“Safety groups such as Kids and Cars and Safe Kids USA urge parents to check the back seat every time they exit the vehicle and to create a reminder system for themselves. Some parents leave their cell phone or purse on the floor near the car seat to ensure they retrieve it along with the child.”

*dumbfounded look*

You will remember your CELL PHONE but forget your KID? Really? I will accept the charge of being judgmental in this case because I admittedly am. When a parent can forget what should be the most precious thing to them in the entire world but remember a communication device, I think someone NEEDS to be judging. Someone needs to be asking the tough questions. SOMEONE needs to be holding SOMEONE accountable for the fact that 18 children have DIED from hyperthermia as a result of this tragic type of negligence.

I’m sure I could post an article on the importance of child safety… I’m sure it would include a list of highly useful tips to ensure that your children make it through the summer, but there comes a time when we have to realize that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, parents aren’t trying to remember safety tips. Most of them (apparently) are in such a hurry for whatever is coming next that no one thinks twice about compromising their child’s life by overlooking simple strategies to maintain the security of their environment.

What’s my point?

Slow down! Most of these children are being placed in harms way simply because parents aren’t being alert and diligent in their roles as caregivers to their children. There are so many other things capturing their attention that when their child is quiet, it’s a relief rather than an alarm. Granted, parents have a lot to do, often have very little breathing time, and we have to give careful consideration to every detail of the lives that depend on our managerial expertise… but if it gets too much for you to handle – so much that you can’t keep track of – or even remember - your own child, something has to give. Either something needs to go or you need to get some help!

I can relate to those whose chaos overwhelms their life. Trust me! Between taking care of a husband and five children, running a somewhat thriving web design business, contributing articles to five websites and maintaining several others, being a Theology student while studying to take the Law School Admissions Test, with the summer in full effect meaning there is no break from the insanity of my life, AND having Fibromyalgia which actually gives me a medical excuse for the absentmindedness and lack of concentration I suffer from regularly, if anyone should be forgetting a kid or two here and there, it should be me. However, I can’t for the life of me understand how ANYONE could not recognize that one of their children have gone M.I.A.

What’s the solution?

I can’t definitively answer that because I can’t really even wrap my head around the fact that this is even a problem. Let’s just give a nice, friendly reminder that in 90 degree heat, the worst place for your kids to be able to climb into is your car. Lock it. Problem solved. Oh, and just for good measure, you should probably know where your children are… I mean, seriously, even if they are playing outside with friends in the yard (which is how one little two year old boy gained entry to the family vehicle before he suffocated inside) it’s not difficult to check on them and account for each of your kids every few minutes. For those who forget them in the back seat, I don’t even know what to say to you. There just really is no excuse. That makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, you put the kid in, you drive to your destination, and somewhere along the way you just FORGOT they were there?

*dumbfounded look*

Parents, what is more important to you:
your cell phone, or your kid?

It’s so easy to forget how much of a joy being a mom really is. What, with the constant bickering, repeating EVERYthing twenty times, and wondering how so-and-so keeps their house spotless while you’d be doing good to be able to walk across the floor without sliding threw a glob of unidentifiable stickiness. Or maybe it’s just me.

In thinking about all of the chaos involved in my day to day life with four daughters and a son, I was led to reflect on what exactly makes me “mom” aside from simply having children. I know – that sounds strange, right? Just hear me out. I know many women who have had children that don’t have a motherly bone in their bodies. I don’t mean those moms who are non-traditional and do things a bit out of the norm. I mean those moms who absolutely do not parent their children. Period.

What makes me Mom? What is it that makes me one of the moms who cares whether her children fight amongst themselves or eat three meals a day or only get one snack? What makes me one of the ones who enforce rules, do things to make their kids feel special (even when they don’t deserve it LOL) and bawl their eyes out at just the thought of something happening to their child? What makes me the mom who lives for her children and does everything in her power to ensure their safety, confidence, and security?

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that I love my children. Unconditionally. What I feel when I think of them is indescribable. What I think when I look at them is impossible to articulate. Sometimes, those feelings and thoughts take the backburner to other feelings (like frustration, pain, disappointment, fear, and even anger…) and other thoughts (such as, “There is not a place in existence far enough away from these little people for me to go right now…”) but through all the messes and mishaps, nothing can ever overshadow the fact that they are my entire world.

There is no situation, scenario, or circumstance that could ever change the way my heart aches with the fullness of my love for them, and that’s what makes me Mom.

What makes YOU Mom?

Submission. It’s a “hot topic” these days.  No…I’m not referring to that kinky stuff where you let someone tie you up in unimaginable ways.  I’m not referring to licking anyone’s boot or calling someone master while bending to their every whim.  I’m talking about biblical submission.

Whether Christian, atheist, agnostic or something else it’s likely you’ve heard of it.  Most people take a stance to either completely agree or completely disagree.  Some fast for their husbands and things of that sort.  Others say “If he thinks I’m submitting to him he may as well kiss off” {and they aren’t talking about on the lips}.

I recently read posts from both ends of the spectrum.  This blogger believes in submission.  This one (I’m assuming) does not.  They are both established bloggers with loyal followings.  Reading through some of the comments got me thinking.

The thing is…whether or not you like it, care to believe it, read it or whatever- the Bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

For Christians, that should be enough. If you truly believe that the Bible is the written word of God then the debate should end there.  You don’t get to pick and choose which books of the Bible are relevant.  Notice though, that it says “as to the Lord.”  It doesn’t say be a doormat (I don’t think God would expect that anyway) or that there won’t be times you are unsure or disagree.  Ladies this simply means to give yourself fully to your husband and trust him (there are also plenty of passages pertaining to men).  Your relationship is probably doomed if you’re out canoodling some other man… just like your relationship with God probably isn’t strong if you’re out practicing another faith.  Some relationships work better when the wife has dinner on the table at 5, some work better when the mom works and the dad does house duty. Whatever the case your husband married you, not someone else. The logical assumption would be that he loves you and that (mostly) your relationship works for you.  Different strokes for different folks, that’s all.

For those who are not Christian (or even some other faiths)…well, I may be wrong;  but you probably won’t understand. Christians grow to love God with all their hearts (or are learning to) and in doing so they read the Bible. In that book there are many guidelines laid before us. Our relationship with our husbands should be representative of what we are learning and of our relationship with God. It’s OK if you don’t understand. Just as you don’t want your beliefs mocked and ridiculed we’d prefer that you didn’t mock and ridicule our beliefs. If you are dead-set on believing it’s a bunch of hooey… it’s highly likely I won’t convince you otherwise unless you open up your mind (and your heart).

I would think that many of us involved in such discussions are adults. It does no good for us to point fingers at each other and scream at the tops of our lungs.  There are going to be disagreements but we should be able to sit and talk rationally.

As Christians isn’t it our duty to exemplify our beliefs to the best of our ability? If we are out here proclaiming to love Jesus while holding an AK-47 to someone’s head screaming, “BELIEVE, DAMMIT, BELIEVE!!” we just look like a bunch of nuts.  We aren’t being very effective because given that situation human nature would be to say whatever the person with the gun wants you to say.  If you are trying to tell someone about submission and telling them they are an idiot you may as well be holding your own gun.  You will never be effective… just “nuts.”

As humans don’t we have the right to speak our minds?  Just because I like white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies doesn’t mean you will but we can all sit and talk about our favorite kinds.  You never know when someone is going to “take a bite” and change their minds.  Submission isn’t a four-letter word… and I’m not holding an AK-47.

This time of year, men all across the country are sporting “Kiss the Cook” aprons and can be seen by the barbecue, spatula and tongs in hand.  This Father’s Day, let the man in your life relax while you grill up some of the best steaks he’s ever had.  Perhaps he’ll reward YOU with a kiss after dinner!

The Preparation

A perfectly grilled steak needs a very hot fire.  In the charcoal kettle, using real hardwood charcoal, not briquettes, will be an advantage.  Buy the best steaks you can afford.  For Father’s Day, a trip to the local butcher might be in order.  Ask for dry-aged steaks, which will yield a classic steakhouse flavor and will not require a marinade or rub.  But don’t despair … if a supermarket steak fits your budget better, try using a rub of McCormick’s Montreal Steak Seasoning to turn those steaks into something special.

It is important to remove the steaks from the refrigerator at least 30 minutes before grilling.  Grill a chilled steak and you may wind up with perfectly browned outside and a cold inside.  Trim the fat along the outside of the steak to 1/4 inch and score the fat every few inches to prevent it from curling while you grill it.  Then season the steaks with salt and pepper.

The trick to grilling the perfect steak is knowing how long to cook it.  According to Rick Rodgers, author of Barbecues 101: More Than 100 Recipes for Great Grilled, Smoked, and Barbecued Food Plus All the Fixings for Perfect Outdoor Parties, base cooking time on the thickness of the steak, not it’s weight.  A one inch steak will take 8 minutes to grill to medium rare over high heat.  Decrease the time for a thinner steak and increase the time for a thicker steak.

How can you tell if it is done?  Rick advises:

“To tell when your steak is done, try not to cut into it and release all those delicious juices you’re trying so hard to retain. The more meat cooks, the more juices evaporate, and the firmer the meat becomes. Professional cooks use the “touch test,” which you should master, too. Press the steak (or chop or burger) in the center with a finger. If it is rare, it will feel somewhat squishy, like the fleshy part of your palm when it is relaxed. Medium steaks feel somewhat resilient, like the fleshy part of the palm feels when you close your hand gently into fist. Well-done steaks feel firm, like that area feels when your hand is clenched.”

The Game Plan

Build a charcoal fire in an outdoor grill and let it burn until the coals are covered with white ash.  To tell if the grill is ready, hover your hand over the grill grate.  If you can only hold your hand for one to two seconds, the grill is very hot and ready to go.

For a gas grill, preheat on High for 10 to 15 minutes.

Lightly oil the grill using a silicone brush.

Place the steaks on the grill directly over the coals or flame and close the barbecue cover.

Cook for eight minutes total, turning once halfway through, until the steaks are well-browned on the outside and medium-rare on the inside.

For a steak that is more well done, on the charcoal grill, move it to the edge of the grill away from the coals.  On the gas grill, reduce the heat to medium. Cover and continue grilling, three more minutes for medium and five more minutes for well-done. Let the steaks rest for three to five minutes before serving.

TIP:

The same grilling method is used for fantastic beef burgers.  For medium rare burgers, place them on an oiled grill, cover and grill for eight minutes total, turning once.  For more well done burgers, move them to the outside of the grill away from the briquettes on the charcoal fire or reduce the heat setting to medium on the gas grill. Continue cooking two minutes for medium burgers and four minutes for well-done burgers.

“Clean Your Room”

“But…MOOOOOOOOM?!?!”

“I said clean your room. NOW.”

Reluctantly they all do an about-face and trudge back to their rooms.  Most of the time I can ignore that little voice deep inside that says

“Hey…you know…your room isn’t exactly neat and organized.”

Most of the time.

Sometimes it really gets to me though.  I’m not what most would consider well-organized.  I don’t have the cutesy little baskets with their little labels all lined in a row.  I bought the cutesy baskets and now they are sitting under a pile of junk in my closet. I don’t always put my shoes on the little shoe tree that I just had to have.  And bed-making?  Don’t even get me started.  I don’t think I have made our bed (aside from when the sheets are freshly washed) more than 5 times the entire time my husband and I have been together.

I expect a great deal out of my children.  I expect a 10, 7, and 3 year old (not the baby) to be able to keep toys off their floor when they aren’t playing with them.  I expect them to wipe the toothpaste out of the sink.  I expect them to put their shoes in their respective hanging shoe thing-a-ma-jiggers. I do let them slide on making their beds because hey…I can’t stand to make the bed myself.  It just might kill me.

Recently I had a revelation.  Maybe the reason my children resist cleaning and organizing the way they do is (in part) because I’m not exactly modeling the skills I so desperately want them to have.  Come to think of it my parents weren’t very neat/organized either.  (Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming my parents) I look around my house and though I know I’m more neat and organized than my parents were I’m nowhere near what I’d like to be.

My question becomes-does this make me a hypocrite?  I’m telling my children to do things that I struggle with (and sometimes blatantly fail to do).  Yet I expect them to do certain things.  I don’t belittle them when they fail to do them or act like I’m perfect but I still expect it.  Am I the only one who (as a parent) feels like I’ve become my mother?  “Do as I say, not as I do” was something I never wanted to say to my children.  I still haven’t-but don’t I say it with my actions?

Is there a certain amount of hypocrisy that comes with the parenting gig?  Do you think I’m neurotic and over complicating things or do you struggle with this too? If you have some strategies to help a disorganized woman become organized I’d love to hear those as well.  Until then I’ll be here…trying to unearth those cutesy baskets.

So it is one of the facts of life, the life I dreamt of all my life – my husband, me & my son together forever. Until one day I woke up to the reality that although I’d been fighting for a long time, I could not fight any longer: my husband and I were splitting up.

The year of 2008 was a busy time for us. We married in January, welcomed our precious baby boy in June and bought our first house in October. Things seemed perfect. This is the life every woman could dream of.

Well, on the outside.

Fast forward to July 2009. It is a warm, summer afternoon, I was just home from work. My husband was picking up the baby boy from daycare and I was sitting on the porch excited for them to come home. He sat down next to me on the porch and said, “This isn’t working, I want a divorce.” We had only been married a little over a year and a half. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. So we pretended to be working things out for another month until we couldn’t pretend any longer. He came home one evening and said he was moving out and so began the shuffle of trying to provide some normalcy in our precious boy’s life.

We tried marriage counseling, but both parties have to be willing. Sure I’m a flawed individual, but I sure wasn’t the one who drove this ship into the ground; yet I was the only one fighting. I fasted, I prayed, and one day God spoke. He said:

“Go home.”

So, I’m here in New Mexico. After being on the east coast for the past 7 years, after establishing a life in Baltimore, I’m home in New Mexico. I have no clue what will happen today or tomorrow, let alone 5 years down the line, but I know that when God spoke to me, I listened.

The pieces to a broken heart can be mended. This is all fresh to me. I’ve only been home for 3 weeks. So I’m not sitting on a soapbox saying get over it. I’m still hurting, but I am also healing. My focus shifted from trying to please my husband, who had left our marriage long before he physically left the house, to pleasing God and making sure my son experiences joy everyday. He is so sweet and my life is devoted to making sure he has everything he needs.

I hold no bitterness towards my husband for what he has done. I pray for his healing as well because I want him to be a fantastic father to our son. Why hold on to hurt and anger when we are tied together for the rest of our lives by a blessing from God? I will let my son’s innocence and his love be my daily reminder that God is love, and we should always operate in love.

So, before the divorce papers are filed and the possible custody battle begins, I’m letting go of all hurt and anger, because we have a little boy to raise – although 2,000 miles apart – together.