Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

It’s so easy to forget how much of a joy being a mom really is. What, with the constant bickering, repeating EVERYthing twenty times, and wondering how so-and-so keeps their house spotless while you’d be doing good to be able to walk across the floor without sliding threw a glob of unidentifiable stickiness. Or maybe it’s just me.

In thinking about all of the chaos involved in my day to day life with four daughters and a son, I was led to reflect on what exactly makes me “mom” aside from simply having children. I know – that sounds strange, right? Just hear me out. I know many women who have had children that don’t have a motherly bone in their bodies. I don’t mean those moms who are non-traditional and do things a bit out of the norm. I mean those moms who absolutely do not parent their children. Period.

What makes me Mom? What is it that makes me one of the moms who cares whether her children fight amongst themselves or eat three meals a day or only get one snack? What makes me one of the ones who enforce rules, do things to make their kids feel special (even when they don’t deserve it LOL) and bawl their eyes out at just the thought of something happening to their child? What makes me the mom who lives for her children and does everything in her power to ensure their safety, confidence, and security?

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that I love my children. Unconditionally. What I feel when I think of them is indescribable. What I think when I look at them is impossible to articulate. Sometimes, those feelings and thoughts take the backburner to other feelings (like frustration, pain, disappointment, fear, and even anger…) and other thoughts (such as, “There is not a place in existence far enough away from these little people for me to go right now…”) but through all the messes and mishaps, nothing can ever overshadow the fact that they are my entire world.

There is no situation, scenario, or circumstance that could ever change the way my heart aches with the fullness of my love for them, and that’s what makes me Mom.

What makes YOU Mom?

“Clean Your Room”

“But…MOOOOOOOOM?!?!”

“I said clean your room. NOW.”

Reluctantly they all do an about-face and trudge back to their rooms.  Most of the time I can ignore that little voice deep inside that says

“Hey…you know…your room isn’t exactly neat and organized.”

Most of the time.

Sometimes it really gets to me though.  I’m not what most would consider well-organized.  I don’t have the cutesy little baskets with their little labels all lined in a row.  I bought the cutesy baskets and now they are sitting under a pile of junk in my closet. I don’t always put my shoes on the little shoe tree that I just had to have.  And bed-making?  Don’t even get me started.  I don’t think I have made our bed (aside from when the sheets are freshly washed) more than 5 times the entire time my husband and I have been together.

I expect a great deal out of my children.  I expect a 10, 7, and 3 year old (not the baby) to be able to keep toys off their floor when they aren’t playing with them.  I expect them to wipe the toothpaste out of the sink.  I expect them to put their shoes in their respective hanging shoe thing-a-ma-jiggers. I do let them slide on making their beds because hey…I can’t stand to make the bed myself.  It just might kill me.

Recently I had a revelation.  Maybe the reason my children resist cleaning and organizing the way they do is (in part) because I’m not exactly modeling the skills I so desperately want them to have.  Come to think of it my parents weren’t very neat/organized either.  (Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming my parents) I look around my house and though I know I’m more neat and organized than my parents were I’m nowhere near what I’d like to be.

My question becomes-does this make me a hypocrite?  I’m telling my children to do things that I struggle with (and sometimes blatantly fail to do).  Yet I expect them to do certain things.  I don’t belittle them when they fail to do them or act like I’m perfect but I still expect it.  Am I the only one who (as a parent) feels like I’ve become my mother?  “Do as I say, not as I do” was something I never wanted to say to my children.  I still haven’t-but don’t I say it with my actions?

Is there a certain amount of hypocrisy that comes with the parenting gig?  Do you think I’m neurotic and over complicating things or do you struggle with this too? If you have some strategies to help a disorganized woman become organized I’d love to hear those as well.  Until then I’ll be here…trying to unearth those cutesy baskets.

{ Click here to watch the video }

There is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing that yet another young girl has had her life completely changed forever by having sex too young, out of wedlock, and giving birth to a child. Oh, wait… there is something more heartbreaking – finding out that there is an 11 year old going through what used to be considered ‘teen parenthood’ … Only now, it has come to light that DNA results have proven that the father of her child is actually her mother’s husband, who has apparently been having sex with his step daughter sometimes as often as three times per week since she was SIX years old. Now, this entire situation has taken on a completely different dynamic. Now, it has reached a new level of heartbreaking.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. My blood is boiling! A few weeks ago, I wrote an article entitled Way Too Much Sex on my blog. Parents are often hesitant to talk to their children about sex – or anything related to it – until they feel their child is old enough. NEWSFLASH: By the time you *think* they are old enough, they’re probably *too* old for “The Talk” because they already know more than what you’re about to tell them. What’s more important than TEACHING your kids about sex itself is actually opening dialog about matters pertaining to it, such as molestation and inappropriate touching. Those are topics your child should NOT be fearful about discussing with you. By never bringing them up, you’re telling them that those aren’t topics you welcome from them… and chances are, if they are ever put in a horrible situation like this girl was, their perpetrator is going to be reaffirming that notion by convincing them that they will get into trouble themselves if they tell.

DO NOT LET SOMEONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR CHILD because you chose to remain silent. This man was having sex with this little girl for five years. It took her getting pregnant and giving birth at 11 years of age for the truth to come out. Now, not only is she at risk physically from the hormones and other potential damage this pregnancy has exposed her little body to, but she is a mother. Emotionally… mentally… what does that mean in her life right now? What does it mean for her life in 10 years? What will that mean for her child? This man has potentially ruined several lives by his actions. I wonder if he cares about any of them except his own. That is highly doubtful. He’s a sick, twisted animal whose only concern is for his own desires… Unfortunately, there are people like him everywhere.

Parents, no one is going to protect your child like you will. I feel so bad for this little girl. She’s just a year older than my daughter who turned ten yesterday. I cannot imagine the anguish I would feel, knowing that someone had violated her trust in such a way… and knowing that she didn’t trust me enough to help her. Your children are counting on you to keep them safe.

Are you doing all you can to ensure that happens?

You can join the discussion by commenting below, or carrying your opinions over to our Discussion Forum thread covering this topic.

Thursday afternoon was the last afternoon 2009 would see. It was also the last afternoon a toddler in Rayville, Louisiana would see. I pulled up our local news yesterday to find the following article about a 3 year old boy who accidentally shot and killed his 3 year old cousin with his father’s pistol, issued to him by the Rayville Police Department.

Rayville police responded to a shooting Thursday afternoon that resulted in the death of a 3-year-old girl, the niece of a police officer apparently shot by his 3-year-old son.

Sheriff Charles McDonald said the Rayville Police Department received a call around 2:30 p.m. about a possible shooting on Waldorf Street.

McDonald said an off-duty Rayville officer was visiting another off-duty officer.

He said two children were playing in the front yard.

McDonald said when the visiting officer arrived at the residence, he turned to the inside of his vehicle to get something. While he was turned, the boy walked up and picked up the officer’s firearm, which was in the driver’s side door. McDonald said the boy pulled the trigger and accidently shot the girl, killing her instantly.

McDonald called the incident a “tragic accident.”

The names of the officers and the children involved were not immediately released.

The only thing I can imagine being more horrific than witnessing such a tragic accident is being the parent of the child that passed away. There are so many things we can think after accidents happen, but once something is done, it’s done. I’ve had heated debates about how overly protective I am of my children. I’ve heard people say, “No one is going to do such-and-such to my child because they know if they did, I would {insert action here}.” The point is, once it is done there is nothing you can do to undo it. No matter what your response is, the situation still is what it was to begin with.

When it comes to children, you can’t have afterthoughts. You can’t live reactively. You have to think proactively. You can’t take action on the backend. You have to be careful on the front end. You have to think about the what-ifs of life in advance. Once it’s too late, there is no going back… and when accidents turn fatal, there is no fixing it… there is no learning from it… There is only regret and emptiness, and trying to find enough comfort to move on. Taking care of children is a job that never ends. Being aware of what is around when children are present is often a draining chore. You constantly have to make sure that there is nothing small they can choke on, nothing harmful they can reach to put in their mouth…

When you become comfortable with certain things being around children, that is when you stop being so aware. I’m certainly not placing blame or pointing fingers. Accidents do happen, unfortunately. When they do, it’s time for the rest of us to hold our children tightly, thankful that this time it wasn’t us… it wasn’t our child… but learning from that parent’s pain and loss to prevent the same thing from happening to our family. My heart goes out to EVERY parent who has lost a child and my prayers are with this family as they process the grief of knowing this little girl is gone… and this little boy who will grow up to understand that it was his hand that pulled the trigger. I hope that he is not traumatized.

That being said, this is my plea to EVERY person who owns any type of firearm that ever has a chance of coming into contact with a child: keep it locked up… keep it out of reach… and certainly never leave the safety off. This was an accident… and my heart bleeds for the pain these people are going through, but like most accidents, a mistake was made that caused a tragedy which could have been prevented.

Be careful. Be aware. Think ahead.

So it is one of the facts of life, the life I dreamt of all my life – my husband, me & my son together forever. Until one day I woke up to the reality that although I’d been fighting for a long time, I could not fight any longer: my husband and I were splitting up.

The year of 2008 was a busy time for us. We married in January, welcomed our precious baby boy in June and bought our first house in October. Things seemed perfect. This is the life every woman could dream of.

Well, on the outside.

Fast forward to July 2009. It is a warm, summer afternoon, I was just home from work. My husband was picking up the baby boy from daycare and I was sitting on the porch excited for them to come home. He sat down next to me on the porch and said, “This isn’t working, I want a divorce.” We had only been married a little over a year and a half. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. So we pretended to be working things out for another month until we couldn’t pretend any longer. He came home one evening and said he was moving out and so began the shuffle of trying to provide some normalcy in our precious boy’s life.

We tried marriage counseling, but both parties have to be willing. Sure I’m a flawed individual, but I sure wasn’t the one who drove this ship into the ground; yet I was the only one fighting. I fasted, I prayed, and one day God spoke. He said:

“Go home.”

So, I’m here in New Mexico. After being on the east coast for the past 7 years, after establishing a life in Baltimore, I’m home in New Mexico. I have no clue what will happen today or tomorrow, let alone 5 years down the line, but I know that when God spoke to me, I listened.

The pieces to a broken heart can be mended. This is all fresh to me. I’ve only been home for 3 weeks. So I’m not sitting on a soapbox saying get over it. I’m still hurting, but I am also healing. My focus shifted from trying to please my husband, who had left our marriage long before he physically left the house, to pleasing God and making sure my son experiences joy everyday. He is so sweet and my life is devoted to making sure he has everything he needs.

I hold no bitterness towards my husband for what he has done. I pray for his healing as well because I want him to be a fantastic father to our son. Why hold on to hurt and anger when we are tied together for the rest of our lives by a blessing from God? I will let my son’s innocence and his love be my daily reminder that God is love, and we should always operate in love.

So, before the divorce papers are filed and the possible custody battle begins, I’m letting go of all hurt and anger, because we have a little boy to raise – although 2,000 miles apart – together.